why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I can't put those talents on a resume
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
