There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
