last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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