i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
