This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
