I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize