So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
