matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Randomize
