after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize