I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
