I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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