this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
