you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
