i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
This is my gift to your gina
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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