i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
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