8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
You're earring is so big in my mouth
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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