I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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