New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
