This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize