Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
