I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
