Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
