Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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