i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize