Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
You ate ashes out of my bong
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
