get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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