Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
