Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
