i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
