I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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