bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
My apartment stinks of burning failure
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
