My first STD was from a foam party
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
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