i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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