Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Randomize
