My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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