omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Randomize
