My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
