I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Randomize
