You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
high people should be assigned attendants
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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