How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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