The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
