thus making me awesome and them whores
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
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