I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
