my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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