6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
