Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
