Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
