your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
