Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
