It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
