Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
There's always time for handjobs
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
