that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
