I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
