yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
