im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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