I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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