Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Randomize